Jun 29, 2010

Adoption Update

I wrote this post about two weeks ago and have struggled with whether or not to publish it since then. Since I use this blog as a journal of our lives, something that we can look back on in the years to come and see where we were throughout these days, I chose to go ahead and include this post on our blog.

I've had a few people ask if we've heard anything more in the way of adoption, since we decided a few months ago to pursue a second adoption. The short answer is, "No." But when have I ever stopped at a short answer?

Some time in April we were contacted and told that, because this is considered a second adoption with our agency, we could forgo the initial wait period first-time couples have, and go ahead and fill out our formal application. Everything is done online now, so we were given a user name and password and as soon as I received that through email, I began to fill our out application.

Next, we were invited to a group meeting in late April or early May. It was an initial meeting to discuss reasons why birthmothers tend to choose adoption plans for their children, how long we can expect to wait for a placement, embryo adoption options, and a general informative meeting to help us determine if we wanted to proceed with the adoption process through this agency.

As far as why birthmothers choose to place their children with adoptive parents, there are a number of reasons. I won't take the time to go into them here. However, our agency director did point out something that many of us there already know, most birthmothers DON'T choose to place, even after having counseling to do so and meeting prospective adoptive parents. Adoption, sadly, is seen as a negative choice. I'm sure that's not news to anyone reading this. If a woman chooses to place her child through adoption, it's often seen as a negative thing. And even though we, and many of our family and friends love and adore Sara Madalin, they too have said the same things - TO US. When we brought her home, people said to me, "How could anyone give away something so beautiful?" I bit me tongue many times over some of the things that have been said to me. When someone says something hurtful about adoption to me, or even goes so far as to treat her differently , Reagan reminds me, "They just don't get it." So, reasons for placement by birthmothers was discussed.

Embyo adoption - been there, done that, moving on...

Wait times - Not such an encouraging discussion. There was probably 15 couples in this meeting. Some have already been working on their adoption for a year. Some less time. In addition to those couples, we were told that there were about 22 couples in our state with their agency already farther along than us. I don't remember the exact number of placements the agency had in our state last year, but I think I remember Reagan estimating our wait time could be 3-4 years based on their past figures and the number of couples waiting.

There were also other topics that were discussed. One, that I won't go into here, that has caused us to pause in our submission of an application. We've completed the application, we've told the agency we want to proceed with them, and we've paid our application fee, but we've not moved forward because we want to comply to all the agency's policies, and are unable to do so right now. We hope to move forward in the next few weeks or months. Our hesitation isn't health or financially related. It is merely that we want to adhere to their policies as completely as possible and there is one criteria that we don't meet at this time. As soon as we do, we'll submit our application and hopefully move forward with a home study.

One thing that's often bothered me in the adoption process is the fact that our lives as adoptive parents are under such a microscope. We have to submit all our financial information. We have to discuss all kinds of family history. We have to fill out what some consider a great deal of paperwork. Some who are critics of adoption would say things like, "That's your choice. You don't HAVE to do that." Well, yes, yes we do. Not only because we want children, but we believe adoption is something that we've been called to do. We don't look at adoption simply as a means to having a family with children in our home. It's not a "backup plan" because we're unable to have children genetically. It's a calling by God in His word, even for those believers who can have children of "their own," as I've heard people refer to children birthed rather than adopted. "Now, is that your daughter or is she adopted?" BOTH!!!!!! Yeah, biting my tongue again.

So, we choose this path, with all the rules and regulations (and emotions, don't get me started on the emotions) that accompany it, not just to have a brother or sister for Sara Madalin, or to have a sweet, cuddly baby to kiss. We are pursuing adoption because God led us here to obey Him. And so, if we have guidelines set before us by our adoption agency, we will do everything we can to adhere to them. In the end, it is a very small price to pay for the overwhelming joy that comes with adoption.

So, that's about all I have in the way of an update on our adoption right now. When things change, I will post again. First, to have a record of it on our blog. Second, and most importantly, for prayer from those who care for us and want to be here with us through this.

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9 comments:

Rebecca Powers said...

God has his time for everything. You know it'll all work out as it's supposed to. Your family will be in my prayers. :)

Claire @ Completely Claire said...

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart with your readers! I love it! Have a wonderful day & know you are very blessed! ~Claire

Anonymous said...

The Lord will find the perfect child for you and Reagan just as He did with Sara Madalin. She is a precious child and fits into your lives just as if you had birthed her. I will pray for you guys for the Lord to bless your family with another child in His time. No one could love a child any more than you and Reagan love little Sara Madalin. Love and miss you guys. Pat F.

Paige said...

Praying for you and your sweet family! While reading this, Jeremiah 29:11 kept popping into my head. Hope that it brings you some comfort as you continue down this path. Have a great week!

k and m said...

thank you so much for sharing... it is a hard but joyous road to go down and I understand ALL of your frustrations... in HIS time always stayed in the back of my head when we were going through our adoption...in HIS time... wishing you a fAnTaBuLoUs SuMmEr with your ADORABLE Sugar!!!

April said...

I'm not sure if I have posted here before, but I really enjoyed your entry today. Adoption for me has always been a hurry-up so you can wait kind of situation. I hope your waiting time will soon pass...in God's perfect timing, of course. :)

Penny said...

I know how those kinds of comments make you feel~ not that I have adopted, but the same comments are directed at step family members. My brothers' deaths were dismissed by some because they were my "step" brothers, when they have actually been my brothers longer than my younger, biological brother and I grew up with them from the age of ten. I also hear those remarks about my relationship with my stepdaughters and their children. My husband and I have been married 20 years. My grandchildren were all born in the past 9 years. When they hand you a baby, it's yours. It doesn't matter if your stepchild had it, or your own daughter. It shouldn't matter, but unfortunately it does to some people.
My husband also adopted my two daughters from my previous marriage. My mother-in-law does love them, but makes a big difference in them and her "real" grandchildren. :(
I don't understand the negativity toward adoption. Sayra could have aborted Sara Madalin and some would have "understood" that. Thank God she chose to give her life and then to give her up. It is the most beautiful, courageous, selfless thing any mother could do. Godspeed on finding your new little one. And God bless his/her family.

Anonymous said...

I am a legal-risk foster mother of an infant we brought home from the hospital and are hoping to adopt in the near future. I know all too well the hurtful (meant to be or not...) comments you are speaking of. And your husband hit the nail right on the head when he said "they just don't get it". I wish they did because it can be so so hard to bite my tongue and TRY to be the bigger person I know I am...easier said than done so days! Stay strong in your Faith and He will see you through, but I can tell from your posts you already know that! Y'all are in my prayers!

Amy said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. It encouraged me greatly. I stumbled upon your blog a couple of months ago and bookmarked it. We are in the process of adoption and recently hit a bump in the road. It will work out in God's timing I know. All we can do is be obedient to the call. I am sure we will have the same questions asked as well and I am trying to prepare myself. Praying that it all comes together for you!