Sep 2, 2010

I Will Carry You

I have to say, I have been so richly blessed. God has been more merciful to me than I'll ever deserve. He's blessed Reagan and I in ways that we never expected. And He's given us the most precious child that we ever could have prayed for. But He's also given me some of the sweetest relationships in the past couple years that have blessed my heart in ways I never imagined I could be blessed.

So much has changed in our lives since Sara Madalin was born. We knew it would. But some of these changes were not exactly what we expected. For us, being parents has been a wonderful change. We have enjoyed every phase she's gone through. But it's also taken us down paths we didn't realize we'd be traveling. We moved to a different home. We've joined a new church. We've lost some relationships - because of lack of time to nurture them, or because of distance. And we've also been led to develop others.

Some relationships - friendships, even - that God has brought into my life were through blogging. I always wanted the testimony that I shared about Sara Madalin, and the journey that brought us to her, to be something that would minister to others who've gone through infertility and adoption. And it has. It's also been a ministry to those who've placed their child or children for adoption with couples like us. But I never knew how the testimony and our life after adoption would have an impact on women who are able to conceive and birth their own children.

Not too long after I started blogging, God brought a woman into my life through this blog. She and I have since met and developed a friendship. She is so giving. If she's out shopping for herself or her child, and she sees something Sara Madalin or I might like, she picks something up for us. If there's an event nearby that she thinks we might be interested in, she makes sure I'm aware of it. She's just a caring, sweet person. But not until recently did I realize how selfless and giving she is.

She recently found out that she is expecting again. I've been so excited for her. Then, a few days ago she sent me an email. Here's part of it:

I don’t really know where to begin…other than to say that for the past 3 mornings I have woke up at 5am with you on my mind. I can’t go back to sleep and I can’t quit thinking about this situation. I just want to explain and tell you how I am feeling. I don’t know all of the specifics in your situation and what is waying on me might not be an option.

I don’t know if it is my compassion for you or the Lord telling me I need to do this or if it is even possible. I’m nervous even typing this or knowing how to ask or say this. But could someone carry a child for you? I’ve never asked about why you couldn’t have children but I have seen posts about things you tried. And this might be something that you wouldn’t even want to do. I guess I’m just having a hard time with it all—when I know I can have children and if there was any way that I could give you one I would. Mercy!! I knew I couldn’t get through this email without crying. I guess that is what I am asking—if someone was willing—and I honestly don’t know if that person would be me—or if I was willing if you would even want to. But if someone was willing, would it be an option?

How sweet was that? It made me smile. It made me cry too, but it made me smile.

I replied to her and said this:

Thank you. A million times thank you for offering this. But, the short answer is, it's not possible for us to conceive children. We explored EVERY possible option to have children. A surrogate is not an option for us. So, even if I said, 'YES! PLEASE carry a baby for me." It's not really an option because we'd have to create the embryos first, and we can't. Adoption is the only way that we are able to have a family. And we're ok with that. We believe that is how God designed our family and what He planned for us long ago. It upset us at first. But not anymore. We are fine with it and actually pretty humbled by it. I believe it's not an option because adoption is God's perfect plan for us and our family. He didn't want us to substitute any other way for the family He wanted to create for us. I know I sound kind of crazy saying those things. But it's really how we feel.

I'm so thankful for her. I'm so humbled by her offer. But I know God has a plan for us. He may have more children in our future. He may not. Reagan and I love each other. We love our girl. We so desperately want her to have a brother or sister. But if she doesn't, we'll be ok with it. Until we find out His answer in that area, we'll continue as we have - loving Him and the family He's given us and seeking ways that we can serve Him as the family He's created. And thanking Him for all the people He's brought into our life through this journey through which He's leading us.

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blessedmomto8 said...

You have such a clear direction given to you by God. That is JUST AWESOME that you "know" what is perfectly right for your family!

Penny said...

That was such a beautiful, selfless thing for her to write. What a precious offer! :)

Casey said...

Wow, how sweet and kind she is! I am so glad that God has blessed you with a wonderful friend. I also love how humble you are about everything and how you trust in God and follow his path. You are an inspiration

Jennifer said...

What a beautiful friendship between the two of you!